We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
