im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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