It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
