I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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