I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
