We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
