just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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