One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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