I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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