Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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