you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
