I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
