im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
