My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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