We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
