one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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