but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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