my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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