i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
