As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
