The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
