Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
