dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
