Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
