She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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