It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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