How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize