You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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