apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
