i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
