pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
