I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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