ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
