Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
