I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
