trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
