My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
