If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
