After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
