Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
