Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
