I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
