yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
