i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
