i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
