stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
