so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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