So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
