so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize