I hate all girls vehemently.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize