The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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