its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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