Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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