I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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