Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize