thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
