explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
