The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
