Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
