I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
