My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Someone shattered a urinal.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
