There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
