I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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