Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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