i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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